Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

(RSD) – What it is and how to manage it!

(Approximately a 6 minute read)

Have you ever experienced a sensation when even an innocuous glance or ambiguous comment sends you into emotional chaos, leaving you convinced you’ve done something to make everyone around you retreat? Then you may be experiencing and living with rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD). If unrecognised or unmanaged, it can negatively impact friendships and relationships, including in the workplace, sabotaging them beyond repair and leaving you in complete disarray.

While the experience of being hypersensitive to criticism or perceived rejection is very real for many people, especially for those of us with ADHD, it’s a surprise that it still isn’t recognised as an official diagnosis in the DSM-5. In my opinion, it needs to be; after all, awareness is the precursor to change.

As we know, emotional dysregulation often trips up our ADHD brains and can exacerbate the RSD experience to much higher levels than our neurotypical brothers and sisters. Let’s also not confuse the two. While emotional dysregulation makes it intensely challenging for us to manage our emotions, RSD in comparison is on a stratospheric level. On the one hand, emotional dysregulation is struggling to regulate emotions, while RSD is an intense and painful version, accentuating by a distorted lens of perception, be it real or not.

The challenges that rise up with RSD can make rejection feel very intense. It can feel physical; it’s a visceral and agonizing pain.  Add that to the fact that many neurodivergent people also experience C-PTSD, often as a result of growing up without a support network or being understood, and it can make the effects of RSD particularly challenging to manage.

How can RSD show up and develop?

There are numerous ways RSD can hit hard and dig deep. It can begin with a small comment offering up some advice in the way of constructive criticism, and before you know it, you’ve taken it as a personal attack on you, and no matter how hard you try to quell what was said, it seems impossible to rationalize it.

You could be working on a plan or project with friends or something as simple as some home improvements. Perhaps you make a small error, and your whole world comes crashing down as feelings of inadequacy quickly rise and you presume the project is an abject failure because you are.

One comment or a look shared can leave you ruminating and obsessing for days over what you perceived was an inadvertent attack on you.

It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, particularly if undiagnosed; growing up felt like you could never do anything ‘right.’ You were constantly criticised or questioned about the way you behaved and what you struggled with.

The overall sense at that time was that you were never enough, and to pass and be accepted, you had to mask your struggles. To be authentic would result in query and questioning and be far from the acceptance you craved.

While anyone, to some degree, can experience rejection sensitivity, for the ADHD brain the effects can be far too frequent and with devastating consequences. As mentioned above, there can be a knock-on effect with RSD exacerbating ADHD traits like emotional dysregulation, low dopamine levels, and hyperfocus, resulting in emotional meltdowns and burnout after a bout of heightened worry fixated on the amplification of the given trigger.

What a vicious circle it can become!

But let’s take a moment and take a breath, and let’s look at ways we can manage these episodes and move towards a more regulated brain.

Managing RSD

Firstly, and I can’t stress this enough, what is at the top of the management list is compassion.  More importantly, self-compassion. By adopting a gentle and understanding approach to ourselves, we can be the beginning of a beautiful relationship! To love ourselves is to be free of the sometimes frequent fruitless searches we perpetuate outside of ourselves for love and validation.

Living with ADHD can be incredibly challenging, but it’s important to recognise that there is also a positive side. We are wonderful human beings with a special brain, and we all have amazing strengths and potential that we need to nurture. We are not defective; we are all unique in our own diverse way, and to embrace the differences is to understand ourselves at a more fundamental level. Remember, perfection is an illusion. When we turn off our self-critic, we can let go of the negative self-talk and judgement. It is never acceptable to speak so harshly and berate another, so why do we do it to ourselves? When we accept our imperfections and shortcomings, this also brings about a certain liberation from the stigma and constraints of living with ADHD.

It won’t put an end to RSD, but it will begin a new process for you to acknowledge, accept, and adopt the mindfulness approach to calm the harsh narratives, emotional overload, shame, and blame.

Getting the right support

Naturally, I am going to advocate coaching to help you navigate and reveal different strategies and methods that will work for you. Cushioned by the safety net of support and empathy, coaching can guide you to the calmer waters from the stormy seas of RSD.

We can help you discover and develop ways in which you can reframe the negative narratives, limited beliefs, and thinking patterns around rejection and shed light on your triggers. Working around boosting self-esteem will enhance personal strengths, helping build resilience to tackle RSD positively. By reinforcing ways to help you identify the distorted thinking patterns, you will begin to process an initial rush of RSD long before the effects become overwhelming.

But you don’t have to stop there. Talk to your loved ones and work colleagues and explain the effects of RSD so they can have clarity and be able to understand and support you better. Set up a local support group or join one, if you know other fellow ADHDers. It’s a great way to share and support each other and diffuse the tricky issue of RSD. A problem shared is a problem halved, as ‘they’ say!

Self-awareness can bring about change

Another huge area to build upon with managing RSD is self-awareness. Looking at our behavioural patterns, our sensitive side and emotional triggers can lead to a deeper understanding of ourselves and how we can approach potential RSD episodes. By anticipating the warning signs, we can release the necessary coping mechanisms to quash RSD before it really takes effect. When you know what is happening, take a step back, go to a quiet place, and call it out for what it is; use a mantra acknowledging it is RSD, and tell yourself this too shall pass. Soothe yourself and your nervous system with deep breathing until you feel calmer. Discover what grounding techniques work best for you. Be gentle with yourself and take your time.

Keeping a journal of how RSD has impacted our lives is a good way to keep a record of dates, times, and emotions/feelings when xyz happens. Recall and working memory can trick us only too well, so logging useful information like this can give us more clarity as well as a helpful insight.

As previously mentioned in the ‘Getting the Right Support’ section, opening up to friends and significant others about how you are feeling and how RSD affects you and your ADHD can expand the support network of care and response. When people have a greater understanding of what is going on, it makes it easier for them to advocate a more empathetic and supportive role.

How does RSD impact your life, and in what way?

Feel free to ask me a question!

Please leave your questions and replies in the comment section below. Thanks.

Love, light and peace to all of you wonderful neurodivergent brains!